Bah!

I guess that's about the most succinct expression of my emotional state right now. I'm not in a bad mood anymore, given that I now know that I don't have to work today. That said, I'm still mildly annoyed by a few things:

-I got caught up doing situps and pushups this morning and had to rush out the door a bit, leaving me wholly unsatisfied with my outfit today, which makes me extremely uneasy
-It's <i>just</i> warm enough to not have to wear anything under the knit I have on, but it's <i>just</i> cool enough that I feel the chilliest of gusts, and that really annoys me
-I really no longer have a whole lot of desire to attend classes or any of that. I have the feelings of senioritis pretty hard.

I'm going to expound on that a bit, as best I can. You see, I have money problems insomuch that I don't really have any. My sister and I have always joked around that we were born into the wrong family. Our attitudes and tastes suggest that we should have been born into wealthy dynasties; into royalty or something like that. That's not to say that we ever grew up wanting--quite the opposite--but I want to be able to do what I want without having to worry about the constrains of money.

Luckily, that lifestyle doesn't <i>require</i> filthy-rich levels of cash--it only requires an abundance. Back when I worked at AFLAC, I had an abundance. I was an 18 year old making $27000 a year. That's not very much, really, I know. But, it's a TON for someone who didn't have to pay rent, or make a car payment or anything of the sort. With no bills and no rent, $27k is pretty rockin'. So, I spent, and I loved it. But I still dreamt a lot, so I decided I had had enough, and moved on. I'm in a different place now, I feel, and I'm thinking that I need to reorganize my future. I have been operating under the notion that I am rapidly getting old, and I need to dispell that idea, because I'm only going on 22. I have a built up romantic idea that I need to accomplish everything; I have been rushing my life. The focal point of all of this reorganization is the need to have a foundation for living. I'm sick of living like a 17 year-old high school dropout. I'm sick of living like a typical college student. I want a real apartment with real rooms and real furniture--I want a real existence.

So it's very practical of me to come to this conclusion now because factors have arisen that almost certainly will disallow me to attend classes in the fall. My goal, then, is to secure a full-time job, live comfortably for a while, then allow Uncle Sam to pay for my college, and become an Officer in the USAF or US Marine Corps. Cool, huh?

Shit, I was going to go on to talk about how I want to blog a lot more about fashion, and I want to start blogging more in general and blah blah. But, it's time for class!

-Later

I haven't really left my apartment all day. I'm thinking about going to get groceries in just a minute, but that's about the only thing going on right now.

Granted, it could be because I woke up at 2 fucking o'clock. It could be I'm still coming down from AI (I take a lot of time to recover from life-interrupting things like that), or it could just be general lethargy.

But overall, I miss Omaha quite a bit. Now, the rational side of me knows it has a lot to do with adjusting. Obviously, it's gonna take me some more time to get into a rythm here, ya know? But I don't feel comfortable yet. I mean, I'm settled into my place and I love it, but it's not that--it's the surroundings, and it's the future. I'm a big city guy, through and through, and I'm starting to think that maybe Iowa City is too small for me? I dunno, I'm probably talking out of my ass, or influenced by one of those factors I mentioned above. Regardless, right now I'm wondering what UNO's tuition rates are. Obviously I have this lease through the end of July next year but...I dunno.

I guess "I dunno" is a good approximation of what I feel. I love being here with Tom and Danica and soon to be Chris and Carsten again, yeah, definitely. But right now, when the idea of calling up Tom to get some dinner or hang out comes up it's just not appealing at all, for some reason. But the part of me that hates just sitting around or not going out is really, really bugged by this not leaving the house thing, despite having only been up for 4 hours.

I think all of this can be assuaged rather easily when I setup a life here in IC. In Omaha I had a life, ya know? A routine. And I liked it.

-Get up around 1030 or 11.
-Make breakfast/coffee
-Putz around on the computer until like 2 or so.
-Go to the mall/Borders/Omaha somewhere until like 530 or 6
-Chris comes into town and/or Nicole is off work
-Hangout time

I think maybe it's the idea that, regardless of the fact that "Hangout time" was basically "go to Blue Line or Nicole's apartment", there was the possibility of other things...or something. Maybe there wasn't, really, but it felt like there was. Here in IC, there isn't really anything.

So I guess I need to get involved. Chris and I talked about checking out the Anime Club here, I'll have homework, I can get going on that DnD Campaign I've been writing. I guess I just need to get busy. Plus, I'll be working. The less time there is to sit around and have the time to write entries like this, the less time there is to think thoughts like this.

As a note regarding the whole UNO thing or whatnot--I would not be living at home. I would get an apartment. Duh. Screw CB, I still hate that place.

Whatever lol

-Later

( A Treatise On My Manhood )

( Musings To A Friend )

I feel really terrible after I eat french fries. Due to time restrictions I haven't been able to lift lately and I'm two days off my normal routine. For that reason, I haven't been taking in many calories and have been eating a sandwich as I click-clack away here in the Java House. The sandwich comes with fries, which I've picked at. I would say I put away something like 88% of them, and my chest feels kinda tight and I just feel ugh. I actually like that. I've adapted so much to non-shit food that I just can't take it in quantities...or something.

I have to give mega-rad props to my tattooist Mel, for my newest tattoo. A lot of people who have asked to see it have been completely and utterly blown away by the artwork and linework. I'm stunned myself, I admit. The lines are just stellar. People keep asking me if it's fake because it is so perfect. Not to take anything away from Mel, but shouldn't that sort of perfection be the base-line for something that will always be on your body?

I went to a poetry reading at Prairie Lights today, and I was really moved. I need to write more poetry.

My fingers feel itchy, but my mind seems like it could be running a bit low on content...

I keep fretting about the type of stuff I'm going to write. I want to do novels and whatnot (aside from having to make a living in journalism somehow), and I would love to be an American Nick Hornby. He's my idol, and it would be amazing to write at his level. However, I keep wondering if I have it in me to write a classic. Do I have the depth? Do I have the insight into life? Maybe not now. But then again, does anyone begin writing a book with the express purpose of writing a Pulitzer or Nobel prize winner?

This must seem weird to read, as it must read like a series of disjointed vignettes, but I'm just typing what comes to me.

Lately, I've wanted to become involved in a community of some kind. I think, what with my departure from Facebook and all, I have been yearning for some social networking. That yearning, plus my desire to be in the AnimeIowa "in-group" has lead me to begin establishing a presence on the AnimeIowa forums. I've been slowly building my way into the community, trying to turn a non-judgemental eye towards the people I used to be exactly like. I truly don't judge them, but it's hard to pull my tongue from my cheek when in my "Let's Talk About Books" thread, only 1 or 2 people have posted about reading something other than novelizations of anime. One post even mentioned how they feel they're unable to read something that doesn't have pictures. I mentally slapped my forehead.

However, in my attempt to socialize myself, I started a thread involving combat between anime characters--a topic I used to get really into back when I was hardcore into the fandom. But so far, there's been very little interest. I must just have thin skin, but I'm a bit put off. Ah well.

An old problem has been rearing it's ugly head lately. My stomach. I laugh when I remember one of the first things I asked The Ex about a month after she left. I asked her if she ever found me physically attractive. She said of course she did. She thought I was hot, she said. Of course I take those comments with a grain of salt now that she's accused me of rape, but I often wonder...what is the standard guys are held to now? I mean, I haven't been "on the market" per se since High School. The girls who have seen my shirtless post-The Ex have commented in positive ways, so I don't know why am so tied up about it. I guess I just don't want to disappoint. I guess the bonus is that new research has shown mixing Cardio and Weights is not bad like once believed. The only conflict is that performing both on the same day reduces the effectiveness of both because one makes you too tired to do the other well. This summer I'm gonna kick it in the ass, because I need to look even better for Cosplay in the fall. My sister has adopted me as her physical trainer of sorts, and I just hope she sticks with it. I've been disappointed by workout partners slacking before. Although Chris is great, he doesn't push himself and he doesn't push me. This might sound silly, but if I'm struggling to put up that last rep on the last set, I start calling myself names. Now, I don't expect my sister to call me a pussy (as that would make me laugh and I don't want to crush my chest), but I hope she pushes me as I hope she'll let me push her.

Well, it's 1:00am now. I think I'll bid "tschuss" to Java Juice (haha).

-Later

I stayed up pretty late writing a bunch of DnD stuff, and then laid awake in bed thinking. Mind you, I was trying to sleep, but those thoughts that only seem to attack when you're trying to sleep were invading.

Lemme lay it out:

To pay off my Credit Card debt, this semester's tuition and dorms and living expenses, I took out a private loan for $25k. I have another $8900 from the first semester I spent here. Currently, I have $4300 or so in the bank. Cold hard cash. Here's the thing--I literally cannot live in the dorms next fall unless I get a $3300 or so cash injection OR save up said money over the summer. Of course, I'll have to work in the fall to pay rent if I were to not live in the dorms.

Herein lies the problem. Can I work enough for rent + food + life and still like, student it up? Can I realistically make what will end up being outrageous payments to my debt with whatever job I'll hold immediately as a graduate? Am I totally and truly fucked?

So, my options, as I reasoned out:

[1] Move in with Thane and Nicole in Omaha, work full time with an institution or workplace that would in some way offer a) tuition assistance and/or b) experience in the area I wish to pursue. While working, I would attend school part or half-time or take night classes. Also, I could make payments to the principle of the loan.

[2] Work my fucking goddamned ass off in the summer (40+ hours wherever) and save up the money necessary to dorm + meal plan, then hold down a few hours a week job to pay for life expenses. Then, I dunno what to do about that following Spring semester. Is it becoming clear at this point why dorm living is not a good thing for me? Sure, I wouldn't HATE taking out loans strictly for tuition, but I don't want to have to straight up, chunk-pay my living--because I can't afford to.

[3] Take out tuition + living expenses loan and then cry myself to sleep every night clutching a lottery ticket.

[4] Do the same as option 1, but here in Iowa City, with a random room mate or one of my friends.

Obviously all of these options have pros and cons, but whatever the case, it's gonna eventually come time for a make or break decision, and it won't be an easy one.

Life is hard =(

-Later